"My feelings were not welcomed in the Church (or at home, at times). I learned to deny their existence. When afraid, I was told, "Thou shalt not fear." When angry, "Sin not." When needy, "Know the fullness of Christ." To feel my own feelings was to deny God's all-sufficiency. I learned to swallow my loneliness, anger, and fear. They were imprisoned inside my belly." I’ve been pondering this particular lament since I read it on a friend’s Facebook post a couple of weeks ago. The source of the quote is a book called, A God Who Looks Like Me written by Patricia Lynn Reilly.I have looked for the book at bookstores and the library, but other than purchasing it on Amazon, I’ve had no luck. Which may or may not be a good thing I guess, because I can’t quite figure out where the feminist author is going with it. At first I was just kind of stunned into silence by the desperation I sense in her words or maybe it is a depressing sense of resignation. And that is probably because I am the one who would be right there offering Biblical comfort, counsel and the peace that I know is found only in Christ.
So, I am so thoroughly intrigued to find out where she is taking this and in the mean time I am thoughtfully pondering her seemingly hopeless conundrum. Well, here are my thoughts and my questions (and I recognize that I am making them with only the known lament and not the full text or her summation and/or solution/resolution). Maybe as I pose them more clarity will come, but also I would love to know what others think.
First of all the title of the book causes me to question: A God Who Looks Like Me. I don’t know about you, but I am not interested in a God Who Looks Like Me. What good would there be in that? The scripture says that we are “made in His image” not He in ours. I don’t understand the mystery of that, but I am content with knowing that my God knows what He is doing.
Secondly, I have learned, in a lifetime of dealing with “my feelings,” that they are not always reliable and they are certainly not the barometer that I want determining how I live my life day-by-day or what choices I make. Feelings are what they are. Yes, I have to acknowledge them. Denying their existence or ignoring them will not help. But, once I acknowledge them I have found it necessary to try to figure out where they are coming from. Once I have a general (or specific) idea of their source I am more able to move on to the next stage. I need to make a personal decision about how I am going to master them. For I am determined that they will not master me! That often leads to a downhill spiral, doesn’t it? And after all, isn’t that part of maturing? Isn’t learning to master my responses to feelings a significant part of growing up? And, I guess a part of that is admitting that I don’t want to live with feelings of loneliness, anger and fear. I’ve been there and it’s not for me. I will not be consumed by loneliness, anger or fear for one moment longer than it takes me to surrender them to the LORD. I will not allow them to burn a whole in my belly by imprisoning them there. I am meant to live free. Unburdened by the slavery of unhealthy or painful feelings, I will walk in freedom.
At the same time, I will be the first to recognize and acknowledge that we can very well have the head knowledge; We can know every scriptural help and promise of God and still just not FEEL it. There is a vast difference between knowing the truths in my head and feeling them in my heart. That’s where the work continues for me and I believe it is a lifelong process of, one day at a time, “learning to lean” and standing on His promises by faith. Growing in Christlikeness and not expecting my God to look like me! Heaven forbid! Besides, I do believe my God is all-sufficient. Isn't that what makes Him God? Does that make sense?
